Tory: Took awhile for Tinder to catch fire

Rihanna may have found love in a hopeless place, but I’m not having such luck with that one and Tinder hasn’t been much help at all. Tinder is an app that you can get on your phone to help you meet local people who are just as lonely (or lonelier) than you are.

In the three weeks that I’ve had my Tinder account, I didn’t have a single match. Granted my settings may have been a bit stricter than others (ages 18-22 within a 15-mile radius) but that’s beside the point. The fact is even on a top-notch dating app, I’m still stuck with nothing.

I was convinced my Tinder was broken and that somehow the settings were off and it wouldn’t match me with people. Let’s face it, after three weeks Manti Te’o had a better chance at meeting his girlfriend than I did of finding a match.

That reality struck home every Tuesday and Thursday, when I entered the newspaper class, the girls around the table talked about how many matches they got and how they have all these guys to choose from, while I’m over here staring at my blank matches, waiting for the day that I’ll get my first match.

And just when all hope seemed lost, my phone vibrated and I got a notification saying that I finally got my first match on Tinder. Almost simultaneously, “Don’t Stop Believing” began playing in my head and I busted out into a little happy dance of my own. My Tinder wasn’t broken after all.

After 40 minutes of happy dancing, I decided I should probably stop shuffling my feet and get my fingers tapping on the screen and ignite the Tinder flame. I sent the girl a message asking her what are some of her favorite things to do. Turns out she plays college volleyball in North Carolina and was leaving the next day. Great.

I was right back where I started when all of a sudden, my phone vibrated again alerting me I had another match. Is this real life? Two matches within the hour? Tinder was suddenly a pretty cool app after all.

In the next girl’s profile I saw that she liked golf, so I figured that was a good place to start the conversation since I swing clubs myself. It went a little something like this:

Me: “Hey, what’s up?! I saw the pictures of you and you seemed real cool! So you golf?”

Girl #2: “Yeah I do!! Do you?!”

Me: “Yeah I love golf! I wish I were a retired old man already and I could just go out every day haha!”

And that was the last time I heard from her. Maybe I shouldn’t have said the ‘old man’ part but hey, that’s what I do.

For the third time now, I’m back to square one with still no matches. I’m desperate for anything, but it would be cool if I knew some other people out there liked me, but it’s all good, my Tinder is broken anyway.

Amber: Old friendship re-ignites

I’ve rolled my eyes at the thought of online dating and insisted that I would never subject myself to the horrific task of having to spend three hours online answering 183.5 questions about myself. To me, that sounded terrifying.

So there I was dateless every Friday night. I felt like Molly Ringwald in “Sixteen Candles,” only instead of a forgotten birthday, I had a forgotten dating life. A couple of my friends would suggest I try online dating every now and again and I would decline – until I got roped into trying Tinder.

Spoiler Alert: For those who have yet to try Tinder be warned; you will come across weird stuff.

Take bachelor number one for example, a man whose bio read, “If my mom asks, we met at church.” Nice, let’s start this off on the solid foundation of a lie. I swiped left for no.

The next guy was handsome and his bio didn’t ask me to lie in a church. Swipe right.

Tinder prospect number three was a photo of a man’s head. You did not read that wrong. He must have just returned from the barber and had the best haircut of his life because he was showcasing it for all the ladies to see. I’m sure you can figure out which direction I swiped.

But I would have to give the medal for most interesting bio to lucky bachelor number four, which read, “I’m on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine aint always goin’ to be gold. Hey, I’ll be fine once I get it. Yeah, I’ll be good.” If I knew this man I would feel inclined to refer him to a therapist. Then Tinder got weird.

Prospect number five was launched onto my iPad screen and after one look at the photo I almost had a panic attack. I knew this guy.

There on my iPad screen was a picture of the guy I had a crush on in the eighth grade. Swipe right.

Later that night a notification flashed across my iPad screen saying that I had one new match. There he was, the man I knew from once upon a time ago.

It was a bizarre outcome from an app that I was hell-bent on never using. In all I ended up with 61 matches on Tinder, receiving 30 messages from dudes I don’t know.

There was the standard, “Hey how’s it going?” messages and others were downright creepy, “I wanna sail the sea with you! Do you fish?” No, I don’t.

Some guys sent emojis of smiley faces blowing kisses or hearts. Fun fact: If you are ever feeling bad about yourself, go on Tinder. It will give you an ego boost with a side of narcissism.

Overall the Tinder experience was not nearly as traumatizing as I thought it would be but I can’t say that I went on 14 dates and can credit that to Tinder.

However, I can give credit for one. That’s right, Mr. Eighth Grade sent me my first message and it was the only date I accepted. What happens from here is to be determined. Tinder, unfortunately, doesn’t provide dating tips. Now I feel like I need a Dating Guide: 101. Perhaps the makers of Tinder should make an app for that too.